“Bond, James Bond” My Name Ain’t

（日本語版あり）

James Bond is a cool name because it’s short, crisp and balanced.  The last is important.  You can’t suavely pull off a “Bond, James Bond” if it’s “Bondessville, Jim Bondessville.”

My name, on the other hand, is long and unbalanced, with a one syllable first name and a four syllable last name.

The unbalance is worse in print.  “Joe Sasanuma”* has terribly few characters before the space in comparison to the after.   One of the reasons I don’t add an “Esq.” at the end of my name, other than because I find it pretentious, is because it exacerbates the problem.  “Joe Sasanuma, Esq.” looks so hideous if I saw that in my letterhead I’d have to return my law degree just so that I can stay sane looking at my name.

I don’t think my loving parents ever considered this when they named me.  I can’t blame them, because my name in Japanese looks, if I may say so myself, simultaneously sleek and distinguished:  笹沼穣.   The complexity of the last character, representing my first name “Joe,”** nicely contrasts with the relative simplicity of the first two characters, representing my last name.  That this choreographic beauty doesn’t transfer to English is a source of great irritation.

Incidentally, the unbalance in my name not only exists horizontally but it exists vertically as well.  You wouldn’t know this because you (I hope) are not signing my name, but you will especially notice upon writing in cursive that “Joe Sasanuma” only goes “up” when you write the “J” and the “S.”  This wouldn’t be so bad if you were James Bond.  It’s a terrible hassle when you’re Joe Sasanuma.  That’s why my name is “Joe Sa——–” when I sign my name, because writing it out is just not worth the effort, the time and the look.

Thus, over the years, I’ve fiddled with ways to improve my nomenclatural balance.  I tried reducing my first name to a “J.” and adding “Minoru,” which is another reading of the character 穣 that represents my first name.  This solution, although creating a more visually tolerable name, was hardly satisfactory.  “J. Minoru Sasanuma” is 1)  hard to pronounce, 2) can’t tell it’s a male name, 3)  weird with an abbreviated first name, 4) too long, and, oh yeah, 5)  it’s not my name.

Then I tried inserting my middle name, but now the name read “Joe Michael Sasanuma.”  Now it just looks like a train:  “Joe” is the locomotive pulling the the passenger train, “Michael” and cargo freight, “Sasanuma.”  A lawyer shouldn’t have a name that can’t be taken seriously because it looks like a toy.

It’s clear that had my first name been “Joseph,” the solution of inserting my middle name would have been perfect.  “Joseph Michael Sasanuma” has easy first and middle names and all parts are nicely balanced.  One fault is that the two names are a little boring, but all easy names are.  I want strangers to correctly refer to me as “Mr. Sasanuma” rather than be mesmerized by the uniqueness of my name.  The novelty quickly wears off, especially if you have to live with it.

But I am pleased to report that for several years now, I’ve reached a happy medium:  “Joe M. Sasanuma.”  This is perfect.  The “Joe M.” contrasts with “Sasanuma” in perfect harmony.  It’s an accurate representation of my name.  And I get to go up twice when signing my name before my last name tails off.  If you’ve paid very close attention, all formal letters and cards you’ve received from me have been addressed and signed “Joe M. Sasanuma.”

James Bond it ain’t, but I (now) like my name just fine.

*  Please, please note:  It is not “Joseph Sasanuma.”

**  This is why I insist on being called “Joe,” not “Joseph.”