Interview with Joe, the Most Annoying Person in the History of Humanity (Part II of II)
(Continued from Part I)
Joe: OK, so you hate movies.
–No. I just hate you.
Joe: Fine, whatever. How about investing? I’m a pretty bad investor, but one time I made this particularly bad investment when I was told I was getting a special bonus that was going to be paid later. At that time there was this stock that I knew was a can’t-miss so I invested the bonus into this stock even before the bonus was paid. Unfortunately, by the time the bonus was paid a month later, the company had gone bankrupt.
–Didn’t you say the investment was a “can’t miss”?
Joe: Yeah, something untoward happened there. And that wasn’t even my worst investment.
–I can tolerate another story only if you end up getting screwed.
Joe: Yeah, there are lots more stories like that. A couple years later, I invested in a Brazilian steel company, and the stock kept on falling and falling, and I kept on buying and buying and… You know how hard it is to catch a falling knife?
–No, but I hope you catch it so you can stab me and put an end to my misery…
Joe: Well, it’s really hard. I kept on trying to catch the bottom of this stock, and the bottom wasn’t at $16, or $5, or even $3. It ended up being 76 cents! Those six months were brutal.
–Unless this story ends in you losing everything and becoming homeless, can we move on?
Joe: Thankfully the stock recovered to 79 cents.
–It’s too bad this company also didn’t go bankrupt. Let’s move on to another topic.
Joe: How about politics? I really like politics. I’m a Republican. Are you a Republican?
–No. I’m not an idiot.
Joe: Well, I’ve been a Republican all my life. Even before I could vote, I knew I was a Republican.
–So you were born an idiot.
Joe: I can’t imagine ever not voting Republican.
–So you intend on being an idiot for rest of your life.
Joe: In fact, I’m pretty sure I was a Republican in my prior life, and I’ll be a Republican in my next life.
–You know, there’s an old saying in Japanese: “Only death can cure stupidity.” You’re a remarkable example of how sometimes, stupidity can transcend even death.
Joe: Yeah, ain’t I something?
–You certainly are. Can we move on?
Joe: We can talk about Boston College. Do you like Boston College?
–No, I went to Boston University.
Joe: Oh, I’m so sorry. No one should have to go through that.
–I’m quite proud of my alma mater.
Joe: For what? It doesn’t have a football team. It doesn’t have a campus. It doesn’t have anything redeemable.
–It provides a good education.
Joe: Did you go there for college or graduate school?
–I went there for college and law school.
Joe: Oh, the law school is the worst! It’s housed in the most hideous building in the city of Boston. The school looks like an abandoned warehouse from the 1960s that B.U. turned into a law school because it had no money, much less a sense of style or class.
–I got a good education there. I believe it’s ranked higher than your school.
Joe: Who cares about quality of education? You know what the first thing I learned at Boston College was? “It sucks to B.U.”
–That’s really nice.
Joe: Do you get the pun?
–Yes.
Joe: On “Be You”?
–Yeah, I got it.
Joe: So I guess that means you suck.
–You know, something just occurred to me.
Joe: What’s that?
–You’re not the most fascinating person in the history of humanity. You’re just the most annoying.
Joe: Why, thank you. I’m quite proud to be number one.
–And also the most narcissistic. I think it’s time to end this interview.
Joe: What??? I had so much more I wanted to talk to you about. Maybe next time?
–If there is a God, there will never be a “next time.”
