Interview with Joe, the Most Annoying Person in the History of Humanity (Part I of II)
Below is a word-by-word transcript of an interview with Joe, who insisted on being interviewed as “The Most Fascinating Person in the History of Humanity” but who is anything but.
–I can’t believe I’m doing this This interview is going to be a complete waste of time.
Joe: Happy to do it.
–That makes one of us. Let’s get over with this quickly. You wanted to be interviewed because you say you’re the most fascinating person in the history of humanity. What makes you so fascinating?
Joe: For starters, I’m tall.
–Height? Don’t you have something more meaningful?
Joe: Well, like I said, I’m tall…
— You’re not even that tall. Didn’t you once say there was someone taller than you at your middle school?
Joe: Luke Dal*****, that son of a b****
–Can you please keep this clean? It’s bad enough that I have to sit through this nonsense without the swearing. Don’t you have something else?
Joe: Well, like I said, I’m tall. And I talk a lot.
–Aren’t you in the legal profession? Isn’t everybody in your profession talking all the time anyways?
Joe: Yes. But I’m the only person who can talk on and on and on about things that no one cares about.
–Such as?
Joe: Do you like airplanes?
–No
Joe: Well, I’ve developed this disease called Airplane Incident Obsession Syndrome, and the odd side effect is that I can talk about things like how the crash of Air France Flight 447 is a fascinating study in human failure. You see, it all started with an innocent defect in a minor part called the pitot tubes, which led to a cascading series of pilot errors…
–Can we talk about something else?
Joe: Are you sure? This is fascinating stuff.
–It’s not only morbid but disturbing that you’re so fascinated. Let’s move on.
Joe: Ok. How about watches? You notice how I’m sporting a watch on both arms?
–No
Joe: Here, let me show you…
–I don’t care….
Joe: You see, this watch, on my right arm, is a skeleton watch. Its features include looking cool and making shiny reflections, which makes it harder to tell time.
–Isn’t the entire purpose of a watch telling time?
Joe: Nah, you have an iPhone for that. And this one on my left, it’s limited edition. There’s only 88 in the world. You can tell because of the numbering on the back. You see? It says 8/88. I got this watch just because of this cool numbering.
–How much did you pay for this?
Joe: Well, I debated getting this or a 1996 red Jeep Wrangler. I thought about going with the Jeep because it was cheaper.
–You’re an idiot.
Joe: Why? Did you see the amazing numbering?
–Let’s move on.
Joe: Ok, do you like movies?
–No.
Joe: Well, I’m a great lover of cinema. It’s only recently that I’ve begun to truly appreciate how difficult it is to make good movies. Have you ever seen “Star Wars”?
–No.
Joe: From 1977. Darth Vader? Luke Skywalker?
–Yes, I’m aware of the characters.
Joe: OK, well, it’s on my list of “Movies You Have to See Before You Die.”
–I’ve never seen it.
Joe: I guess that means you’re not ready for death.
–…unless you annoy me to death first…
Joe: The fascinating thing about “Star Wars” is that director George Lucas initially hired a guy called John Jympson to edit the film but he didn’t like what he saw so he fired Jympson and had his wife re-edit it…
–Maybe you didn’t hear me. I’ve never seen Star Wars, never care to see Star Wars and…
Joe: …and apparently the original cut and the re-cut is 40% different! 40%! Can you imagine? It must look like a totally different film!
–For the love of God, please move on to a different topic.
Joe: Ok, there’s loads of things I wanted to share about the James Bond series. For example, the latest Bond film “No Time to Die“ is an homage to the 1969 classic “On Her Majesty’s Secret…”
–I meant a topic not related to movies….
Joe: OK, have you read my amazingly poetic movie reviews?
–Can you please discuss something not involving the word “movie”?
(To be continued to Part II)
