I’m Available to Give a Lecture on So Many Topics

One of the things I remain mystified about is why no one has ever asked me to give a lecture.  I would have thought that a person like me with an opinion on a whole range of topics would be hounded to share just a small portion of all the invaluable insight.

The only explanation I have for this perplexing omission is that people, out of due consideration, have been hesitant to ask me to take the time out of my busy schedule to prepare and give a speech, or worse, was afraid that I would charge Hillary Clinton-like fees to provide my thoughts, including demands for hotel and limousine accommodations.

I write this post to assuage those concerns and announce that I am fully ready, willing and able to give numerous lectures, without any form of compensation or benefits, monetary or otherwise.  Furthermore, in order to address the perfectly understandable situation in which people may feel overwhelmed, unable to choose from the entire universe of all the possible topics for me to speak on, I propose below three lecture topics, with a detailed description of what I intend to discuss.  As a special, one-year offer, each of these proposals includes a unique opportunity to personally interact with me, the lecturer.

1)  “The James Bond franchise through two generations and a half: how the greatest movie franchise in the history of filmmaking transformed the human race”

This lecture, in a 23 part series, focuses on how the story of the greatest superhero ever to grace the face of the earth changed not only our film-going experience, but also how we live our lives.  Each 10 hour lecture will begin with two showings of a film from the franchise, first shown in its original form, then with a narration by the lecturer.

After the viewings, the lecturer will discuss what makes the movie a truly unique and distinctive outing in the franchise while sharing fascinating anecdotes that add intrigue to a film that is already mesmerizing.

The lecture will conclude with a session in which a lucky audience member will be able to choose a short scene from the movie, which the lecturer will replay as James Bond.

2)  “Boston College: it sucks to B.U.”

This lecture focuses on what makes Boston College the most amazing place a person will ever spend his most formidable four years of his life.  The lecture will begin with the basics, such as that Doug Flutie is as divine as a human being can get without becoming Christ himself and how Boston University, with its non-existing campus and even more invisible football program, is to be derided and ridiculed as quite possibly the only place on the globe that makes a person prefer Alcatraz.

In addition to a discussion on the unparalleled quality of the school’s education and the splendid campus that makes any visitor think he has reached heaven, the lecturer will dedicate a significant portion of the eight-hour lecture to the school’s sports program, the Boston College Eagles, including the men’s ice hockey team’s five national championships (and a recent appearance in the national championship game for five out of seven years, including three consecutive years) as well as the football team’s most recent upset of the No. 9-ranked USC Trojans on prime time national television that forever changed the hierarchy of college football.

The lecture will conclude with how the greatest college in the world became even more amazing when the lecturer graduated from there (twice).

This lecture includes a special three-hour tour of Boston College’s main and Newton campuses, offered, if requested, with a Japanese translation.

3)  “I’m right, so you’re wrong”

This lecture focuses on the fact that Joe M. Sasanuma is always right, and goes through the ways in which the many wonderful people he has met throughout the course of his life have, for the most part, been hopelessly clueless.

The lecture will be comprehensive.

It will cover pop culture, such as why the damn Yankees in the Northeast can never truly appreciate the masterful art of country music.

It will cover politics, an area where the lecturer most often finds people to lack a sense of rationality.

It will at times be highly technical, as when the lecturer will elaborate on why the concept of “one man, one vote” as applied to the election of the upper house of state legislatures is both politically and legally senseless.

It will also tackle topics that are controversial, such as how the dubious science of gravity has led to the remarkable rejection of the observation that the earth is unmistakably flat.

The lecture will conclude by addressing the potentially paradoxical nature of the statement “I’m right, so you’re wrong” as that principle is applied to a person who holds the belief that the lecturer is correct about everything, all the time.

This lecture includes a rare autograph session with the lecturer.

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•  In all seriousness, please do take an hour and a half of your life to view “The Last Lecture: Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams” by the late Randy Pausch, professor of Carnegie Mellon University.  It will change your life.