If I had $50 million…

Last week, I learned of a ridiculous fact that Justin Bieber earned $50 million this year.  Besides making me think I definitely made a wrong career choice, it got me thinking about what I would do if I had $50 million…

I’ll go to Monaco on a $1 million cruise trip and put $2 million on red because what’s the point of living if you can’t feel alive?  (“The World is Not Enough” (1999)).

I live to eat, not eat to live, so I’ll have a $10,000 meal every day for a year by inviting great company.

I would plan for my future by putting in $5 million into my retirement fund to buy the  “Emerging Markets Small Cap Aggressive Growth Fund.”

I should diversify my portfolio from purely conservative stocks so I’ll add $5 million to a category of stocks I recently started investing in called Microcap Companies.

It’s important to save for my kids’ college education, so I’ll buy $10,000 of lottery every day for a year.  It’s perfectly logical:  I can’t win the lotto if I don’t play.

I’d buy a portion of the New England Patriots for $1 million because it’s just cool to own a football team.

Chicks dig cars, so I’d spend $35,000 buying a red, stick 1994 Jeep Wrangler, a red, stick 1995 Jeep Wrangler, a red, stick 1996 Jeep Wrangler and a red, stick 1997 Jeep Wrangler.

I should have a home, so I’ll go buy a mansion in Alabama for $200,000.  It should be fully furnished, so I’ll spend $1,000 getting furniture.  It should be stocked on food in case a tornado hits and I’m trapped in the basement, so I’ll spend $500 getting a year’s worth of food supply.  The home should feel Southern, so I’ll decorate it with a $98,500 gun collection.

I should have a summer home, so I’ll buy another mansion in North Carolina for $300,000.  I’d then spend $35,000 on a gun collection to decorate the house  because, really, spending more than $150,000 on guns is obscene.

I need to make sure my kids can get into a school I barely got into, so I’ll donate $1 million to Boston College to have a building named after me.

I need to make sure my kids can get into a school I couldn’t get into, so I’ll promise to donate $2.5 million to Boston College Law School.  I’d then spite them out of $1.5 million because they didn’t accept me the first time.

I need to express resentment for not being accepted to a school that I was better off not attending, so I’ll donate $1 million to Harvard University to have a building named “Crimson Sucks, Eagles Rule.”

The only way to fix my only regret in life is to build a high school for $1 million, confess that I’m a high school drop out, go back to school and try to properly become a juvenile delinquent.

Education is important.  I’ll donate $1 million to the Boston College Athletics Department so they can recruit student-athletes who can actually compete at a national level.

I think it’s important to contribute to philanthropy, so I’ll make a tax free $1 million donation  to the “The Association for the Betterment of the Life and World of Joe M. Sasanuma Fund and The World According to Joe blog.”

There’s no such thing as too many Apple gadgets, so I’ll go to the Apple Store, spend $1 million and walk out with three products.

Being rich is not as important as being cultured, so I’ll buy the Guggenheim for $10 million and open it for free admissions.  Then I’d declare the building a monstrosity and have it torn down.

They say you can buy every dream if you throw enough money at it.  I’ll spend $4 million turning this blog into a book,  learn that it cost $2 million per copy sold, and I would think it was money well spent because I’ve  doubled the  readership of this blog.

I’d like to know whether it’s really true you can buy political office.  I’ll contribute $6 million to my own campaign for a seat in the New Jersey State Assembly on a platform that’s true to my political leanings–and frighten friends from college and beyond.

I’ll spend the last $1 million starting a band so I can make another $50 million the next year.  After all, if Bieber, who I presume is untalented, unsophisticated and unbearable as any other teenage pop singer, can be the sensation of the year, I don’t see why I can’t be either.

And then I’d declare personal bankruptcy because I won’t be able to afford the $50 million legal fee to overpriced lawyers that I’d need to hire to defend myself against ungrounded charges of tax evasion and tax fraud for hiding my assets in a shady non-profit and generally being irresponsible with my own money.