Oh How I Love Myself

I love myself.

This blog is all about me, which is why I love it and I need people to read it, comment on it and love it.

If I’m partaking in a conversation, I need to be the center of attention.  I need people to laugh at my stories and show interest in what I say because I’m the most fascinating person at the table.  I emphasize I’m a Republican when I’m surrounded by liberals, my Catholic Japanese heritage around WASPs and my Americanization in Japan because being different draws attention.

If I’m complimenting you on your knowledge or skills, I’m thinking I’m better than you because I’m more well-rounded.  I talk politics with math people, math with law people and law with non-lawyers because they don’t understand what I’m talking about and that makes me look brilliant.

I love Boston College and hate Harvard because I went to Boston College, Harvard didn’t accept me and I think I’m perfectly educated.

My resumé lists all the deals I’ve worked on, my GPA in law school, college and high school and all the accolades I’ve received, not because I need a job, but because I want to show off my accomplishments.

I think I’m smart enough, sociable enough, diligent enough and skilled enough that I can succeed at whatever I do, whenever I do it.  I think I can be a successful securities lawyer, a litigator or a judge, a politician, a campaign manager or a policy advisor, a math or social studies teacher or a law professor, a football coach or an actor, a doctor or a banker, a CEO or an administrative assistant, a mechanic or a chef.  I think that the reason I don’t pursue your job is because it’s not worth my time or effort.

I think that in mere 10 years of investing, I’ve mastered the skills of investing and I can outperform the market consistently for the rest of my life to set me up for comfortable early retirement.

I think that I’m going to change the world because my brains, personality and perseverance make it inevitable.

I think I’m better than you because I’m taller, thinner or both.

I think I’m so perfect, I leave room for improvement.

I’m right, you’re wrong.

If I express sympathy when you’ve failed, I’m thinking I would have succeeded.

If I’m helping you out, it’s because I think I’m an angel by becoming someone’s savior.

If I think you’re funny, I’m thinking it’s because of my company.

If you’re sad, I’m thinking I’m never going to be that depressed.

If I’m being modest, it’s false modesty.

If I’m calling someone nice, it’s because I don’t think the person is smart.

If I’m calling someone smart, it’s because I don’t think the person has any other redeemable quality.

If I’m calling someone skilled, it’s because I don’t think the skill is worth having.

If I’m calling someone a cheat, I think I’m a better person because of my honor and character.

If I’m calling someone an asshole, I think I’m a better person because I’m nice.

Yes, I am a condescending, cocky, self-righteous, narcissistic egomaniac.

And if you think I’m an asshole because of it, it just proves I’m better than you.