How Should I Tell NYU to Go Screw Itself?

I’m quite pleased that my failure to get into law school proved such a popular draw.  A week and another post later, it’s still the post that’s drawing most reads.  I’m beginning to see that no one really cares to read my conservative rant and come to think of it, I’d pledged to keep politics out of this blog.  I got the message.  I’ll keep my dissatisfaction with the left to myself.

In the spirit of keeping the blog fun-oriented, here’s an interactive post where you get to decide what I do!

It’s been about three months since I moved to an apartment in New York City, but I haven’t shared my NYC address with too many people.  Bank statements and bills related to my NYC life comes to my apartment, but I haven’t changed my mailing address save for Sports Illustrated, my reading during commute.  (I digress, but someone shoot me if I ever start reading the Wall Street Journal on my commute.  That’s like working while going to work: one small, frightful step away from working in your sleep.)

My acquaintances may not know where I live, but strangers sure do.  In the first month, I was known as “New Resident at Apartment 31B” by Target and local restaurants, but in the last two weeks, I’ve gotten on more personal terms with Geico and Playboy, among many others.  I haven’t the slightest idea how they discovered I live here but it’s quite annoying: I can’t even move without the whole commercial industry finding out.  I’m thinking of tracking down the source of this information and issuing a “cease and desist.”  This invasion of privacy would be disturbing if it wasn’t for the laughable idiocy of some solicitors:  I’ve received two letters addressed to my dad, who hasn’t lived in the U.S., much less NYC, in nearly a decade.

It is, though, with the most recent solicitation that I am going to have most fun.  Two days ago, I received a letter addressed to me from New York University.  Since I have no connection to NYU–not for lack of trying–I assumed it was their graduate school advertising their program.

I had to laugh when I opened the mail and read this:

Dear Mr. Sasanuma:

Earning an undergraduate degree as an adult student affirms your commitment to realizing your goals and aspirations.  Although this path may require balancing a full-time job and family responsibilities with an academic workload, the undergraduate programs at NYU’s Paul McGhee Division are designed specifically to accomodate the needs of adult students.

If you are looking for a school with the resources of a large university but would like the personalized attention of a small college campus, consider McGhee.  We offer convenient evening hours and small classes created with goal-oriented adults in mind.  Blah Blah Blah

Enclosed with a three page letter was a postcard that I could send, postage free, to get more information about one of the “wide range of degree options” at the Paul McGhee Division of NYU.

A school which rejected me for an undergraduate admission, lost my law school application, and sent me a postcard to reject my transfer application is now sending me an application.  This is too good to pass up

So many wise and perfectly suited quotes come to mind:

• “Life has its little bonuses.”  –Simon Gruber in “Die Hard With a Vengence” (1995), describing what it’s like to kill John McClane as part of his scheme to make millions.
• “Life gives us these little things” –Ted Crawford in “Fracture” (2007), describing what it was like to to drive his wife’s lover to suicide in addition to walking away from a charge of attempted murder of his wife.
• “Revenge is a dish best served cold” –Khan in “Star Trek: The Wrath of Kahn” (1982), quoting a Klingon proverb, determined to avenge James T. Kirk for abandoning him on a scorched planet

The postcard has just enough white space for me to send a message to NYU on its own dime.

Should I be gracious?

“I learned valuable lessons from the three rejections I received from your college and law school.  It has made me the successful attorney I am today.  Thank you.”

Should I be passive aggressive?

“I thank you for your interest in me and I unequivocally reject it through this postcard, the same courtesy you showed me when your law school rejected my transfer application.”

Should I be sarcastic?

“It is with great pleasure that I received your letter expressing an interest in me.  I now understand the three letters of rejections I received from your institution over the last eight years was merely a result of miscommunication.”

Should I tell them to fuck off?

“Your records will indicate that in three instances, your institution has sent me a letter of rejection.  Never send me anything ever again unless you are offering to refund my application fees.”

Should I be dismissive?

“Despite three rejections I received from your institution, I am now a successful New York City attorney with a law and undergraduate degrees from Boston College.  I have no use for your degree.”

Should I be condescending?

“I have no interest in replacing my excellent education from Boston College and Boston College Law School with an education of far lower caliber.”

Of course, I could just dump the mail.  After all, Simon Gruber, Ted Crawford and Khan all met an undesirable fate.  But where’s the fun in that?

This is definitely worth my first poll.  You actually get to decide my response to NYU!  And yes, I created an appropriate answer for my buddies who were fortunate enough to be accepted into NYU, a (relatively) fine institution.